To the Protege: Enjoying Silver-Haired Fools

"You don't get old by being a fool."

~Richard Pryor

American comedian, the late Richard Pryor, made much of the ironies and difficulties in race relations, gaps between rich and poor, and the humorous turnabouts that go with coming-of-age. This was a phrase he used, often role-playing the voice of a wise silver-haired senior, to help young people understand: There's a difference between aging, maturity, and wisdom.

I thought about this phrase the other day, while trying to mind my own business, sipping coffee at a coffee shop. Just beyond me, within hearing range that I could not ignore, were several gentlemen. As I overheard the kinds of jokes they told, the kind of cynicism they expressed at various current events and headlines, and even the harsh shaming they plied upon one another (in the name of "joking" of course), I began to wonder if Mr. Pryor might have been wrong. I began to rephrase his proverb this way: "Yes, you can get old and yet be a fool."

In fact, it reminds me of another phrase: "You can only be young once, but you can be immature your whole life."

Perhaps this seems harsh of me. Perhaps this seems unfair. Perhaps I caught these gentlemen on a bad day, maybe they were having one, or maybe I was having one. After all, I did not know these men. Perhaps they were just blowing off steam, goofing off…and I was merely made privilege to their inside jokes? The conversation was not directed toward me, it was just loud enough that I could not escape it.

I'm willing to accept that charge. I'm willing to accept it because I talk to so many emerging leaders who wish they could get mere minutes with senior leaders who could give them some clue as to what's coming next in this world for them. There is no magic formula that makes silver hair more valued than hair which has yet turned through age...this is at least true in my culture which can be ambivalent in it’s regard for it’s elders.

I sit with a lot of emerging leaders. As we explore the leadership development moments they come to discuss in times of mentoring, coaching, and sponsoring, I have become sensitized to their incredible need for life-improving partnership with people who are beyond them, people who are reflective, and people who are prepared to share the wisdom they may have gleaned in life. These emerging leaders would like to believe Richard Pryor has it right…that you don't grow old being a fool.

Where I may seem a little bit sharp regarding the trivial banter I overheard that day, I want to be gracious in this respect: it's possible those elders may be unaware of the genuine wealth they possess. They may be oblivious to the craven desire for that wealth to be curated and disseminated into the lives of emerging leaders around them. So with this as a gracious possibility, I would urge emerging leaders who suspect there is a "mentor within" some of the silver-haired people in their lives to do us all a favor by experimenting with some of the following "intergenerational learning" steps:

1. Take some silver-hair to lunch with you. Some of the best mentoring happens spontaneously when people make room for one another, when they do ordinary things together like share a meal or go for a walk. Convey your interest in the life lessons that elders have for us by taking advantage of natural spaces in our world, like enjoying breakfast, lunch, and dinner as an opportunity to make room for relationship building that just might yield some golden nuggets of mentoring wisdom.

2. Take a silver-hair to work with you. Many folks at retirement age long to return to the workplace, to be invited into conversations which allow them to rehearse what they have known about their professions, to learn about what's new in their professions, to pass on their learning which was hard won from mistakes and even seldom celebrated successes.

3. Take a silver-hair out to play. One way to bridge the "generational gap" is to erase it by creating spaces of shared play that are right for emerging and senior leaders. By finding simple ways of playing, like throwing darts or shooting pool, playing tennis, or cycling together, space is made for conversations, which might not happen any other way. Conveying value to people you suspect may have mentoring contributions will often result in making you noticeable, as well as make you noticed by seasoned leaders who have life lessons to transfer.

4. Take a silver-hair on a walk through a cemetery. All of us face our mortality at certain moments. As each day goes by, life delivers circumstances to us, which tenderize us toward our true position in the world. Aging, grieving, celebrating, and finishing well are some of those life circumstances which sober us, and perhaps puts us in a conversational mood to be an improving influence in the lives of those around us. Be bold and ask the seniors in your life what they think about their lives, how they've made sense of their regrets and losses, how they have acted to ensure a legacy will go on. You might be surprised at how ready they are to expect those very conversations, as legacy-leaving gifts.

5. Take a silver-hair up on their opinions, pains, and positions. The group I described, perhaps somewhat unfairly, I actually regard them with high respect. You see, I believe some of the cynicism I overheard, some of the tough jabs I saw them giving one another, some of the coffee talk banter which seem to expressed disappointment with this generation, this political moment, this economy, etc.…is the kind of conversation that arises from pain or from refined expertise which is no longer called upon. I think senior leaders who are also mature leaders, might be able to frame points of pain, loss, or grievance into developmental help for emerging leaders. Perhaps they can hold up the sign that says "the bridge is out ahead, unless we change the course we are on…" Sometimes the peevish opinionated cynicism is an effort to say, "my ideas still matter," and "I don't want to be hurt again." Call the bluff of cynicism and ask for explanations and ask for partnership that moves toward solutions.

Mr. Pryor may have been right. You don't grow old by being a fool. I, at least, want to believe he was right.

#protege #mentor #wisdom