To the Protege: Lazy About My Alignment
I have to admit, I can be pretty superficial sometimes. No, really, I mean it… Superficial in the literal sense. I love shiny things. I love when things look great cosmetically. I love when things are dressed up, lined up, and all in a row.
I can see it. In order there is beauty, polish pleases me.
What's the problem with that?
Well, when it's time to deal with things I cannot see, things "under the hood," or things that are "out of sight, out of mind," then I'm not always so motivated to address them.
In the last year I put a lot of miles on my car. Recently, I noticed while driving that my vehicle was pulling to the right more than usual. After having spent so much money on tires and a few other new shiny things for my car over the last year, things I could see, a superb case of denial began to settle in on me. I did not want to admit I had an alignment problem. To admit that required me to admit I would have to spend significant money on something I cannot see. And as I said before, I’m sort of superficial that way.
But such cases of denial, especially where prudence and safety and wisdom are concerned, are usually short cycles for me. I face the fact that failure to address the alignment will result in consequences that only get worse rather than better. My car and the physical world around me could care less whether I had a case of denial or needed something in the bank account, the situation was going to deteriorate.
The case of misalignment, even when greeted with a lazy denial in the beginning, actually turns into an urgent cause to inventory what resources I have to throw at the problem, to rearrange my calendar to address the problem, to find competent and qualified professionals to assist me with the problem, and to ready myself for the satisfaction that comes from dealing with things that are in the dark. Loving myself begins with facing those things I cannot see which can create harmony or havoc for me and others around me.
Perhaps you see where this is going. Just like I love things on the surface, things I can taste, touch, feel, see, smell, or hear, I'm that way about my personal life at times. I can be pretty lazy about addressing those things that don't provide an immediate pay off. However, just like the physical cases of superficial denial, there are prices to be paid.
Before I go any further, perhaps I should declare one of my assumptions: it's not that I believe life comes to us in a straight line, a linear path, sequences of A followed by B followed by C followed by D, I don't believe that. If truth be told, I see the unfolding of life more like the unfolding of a story, with the narrative rising and falling, conflicts, setbacks, tests, resolving emerging "happily ever afters" (at least until the sequel). But I do believe we can get out of kilter with ourselves, we can disregard some basic dimensions of our lives, which are right for us. We can find ourselves confronted with a break between our walk and our talk…And sometimes it can be so significant that the only thing to admit is "Houston, we have a problem."
The problems can be many. The problem can be a defect in character. The problem can be a break in our integrity. The problem can be unworkability, unmanageability, or incompatibility between our words, our walk, our ways. The problem can be overspending beyond our resources. The problem can be irresolvable conflict. The problem can be loving the wrong thing, the wrong people, the wrong places. The problems can be many.
What all of these problems have in common is this: if not recognized, addressed at the radical level of where they occur deep within us, the misalignment between these two will ultimately have consequences that will show up on the surface. Denial has its reasons, and can be extremely comforting when we need a break to catch up. However, we must indeed catch up and get on with the alignment work.
This is the perfect ground for a mentoring conversation. It's completely acceptable to bring to your mentor open hands and ultimately say: “in this hand I'm holding this, in the other hand I'm holding that, and I cannot reconcile holding both of these at the same time. Can you help me achieve clarity so that I can come to a necessary ending, a peaceful resolution, a workable life?”
Everybody has these gaps. Everybody is tolerating something that has gone on too long, that has grown in the dark, something that is calling for reconciliation.
Call your mentor, book a coffee or happy hour, and get busy with the work of alignment. You and everyone who relies upon you will be glad you did.
