To the Mentor: Why Mentoring Disappoints
Michael Gerber wrote this in his book, The E-Myth: “Your business is perfectly designed to get the results it’s getting.”
I really wish he hadn’t said that. I don’t like (but also actually love) this quote for one reason: it robs me of excuses when things go poorly, not only in business or organizations where I spend time, but also in other parts of my life. It requires me to recognize the things that create pitfalls, missteps, and disappointments.
This principle—poor design creates poor results—applies to mentoring relationships too. Think about times you have sought to learn directly from someone, but it faltered or failed to meet your expectations. Were any of these the contributing factors?
Did it disappoint for lack of direction? Without a clear goal, no one will know whether the process is progressing toward satisfaction. But sometimes, mentoring relationships falter because of inattention of some very basic principles.
Did it falter because of poor planning? When participants have failed to outline what they want, when they can get it, and how that will be accomplished, then they have guaranteed missed expectations, poor communication, disappointment, and confusion.
Was poor chemistry the culprit? It is fine for participants to expect they should be able to get along, trust one another, and even have appropriate affection for one another. This relationship has to be positive.
How about bad starts or endings? One of the surest ways to stumble at mentoring is to have an unclear plan to begin and end. Some have thought mentoring should last forever, but this is impractical for most. It might be better to ground the mentoring experience in a series of evaluation points, allowing each participant an opportunity to end the formal relationship. Remember, friendships that have been forged in formal mentoring relationships are what last forever.
Anyone unprepared for your meetings? A lack of preparation will kill a good mentoring relationship. If participants take a casual approach to teaching or “homework” assignments, soon the clear message will be, “this is not very important,” and commitment will begin to erode. Participants must protect the relationship through mutual high commitment. Remember: “With high commitment you get HIGH commitment; with low commitment, you get NO commitment.”
Mentoring missteps can occur because mentoring can be so easily associated with casual friendships and the formation part is left to chance. Advanced preparation, clear expectations, and stated agreements are the best ways to ensure healthy growth-centered relationships.
If the way you are experiencing mentoring is disappointing (or non-existent), do this one thing: talk about it!
Determine whether adding thoughtful structure will make a difference in the satisfaction you are experiencing. Look at the developmental relationships you are a part of now and ask these questions:
What are some other ways mentoring relationships might fall short of what we might hope for them?
Is it life giving?
Is it a chore?
Are the aims of the relationship clear?
Are you being too casual about the process?
Are you comfortable evaluating the experiencing face-to-face?
Is there any concern about hurting feelings, seeming ungrateful, or appearing too bossy or picky?
What have you done to make sure the relationship is the best it can be?
Can you add too much structure to the relationship? If so, how would you know?
Have life seasons changed, new priorities emerged, or assumptions become clear which are no longer shared?
Is it time for the relationship to conclude or another one to start?
